Hello, dear conscious parent 💟!
Today I want to talk about why it is hard for parents to hold firm AND connecting limits with their children. Why doesn’t this skill come easily and naturally to parents? When it comes to setting limits, most parents fall into these two categories:
- Either harsh, authoritarian, impatient, over-powering, threatening, intimidating, fear-inducing language & behaviors;
- Or lenient, permissive, never saying No, “I am your best friend” – type of language & behaviors;
At times, a parent may have the ability to hold a limit in a way that’s both firm and connecting (empathetic, attuned); however not consistently. In other words, this is NOT a built-in, automatic, easy to perform way of holding a limit. Why is that? Here are my TOP 3 reasons that I’ve identified based on my work with parents:
– restimulation – reactivation of unconscious triggers; I define a trigger as “a pain point that is dormant in the body-mind-nervous system that is unhealed and unintegrated”;
– toxic stress that parents live under on a 24/7 cycle that never ends; modern living in Westernized societies creates and supports- systemically- the demise of parental and family well-being;
– lack of quality parenting education that gives ALL parents the tools they need to nurture an emotionally safe environment in their families.
What can you do right now to change this pattern in your family?
– Identify your biggest triggers so you can increase your levels of self-awareness. Make this a daily task and a daily priority. Work with a therapist/ coach or take my course if you can’t do it alone.
– Learn to self-regulate your emotions. Learn to pause and use your breath to slow down the rush of chemicals that your amygdala is releasing into your body. Ask yourself constantly: “Is this an emergency or life-threatening?” If not, you can focus on the breath for 60 seconds.
– Plan time for self-care, so you can recharge and relax your body and mind. Examples of self-care are: 8 hours of sleep per night; exercise; walks in nature; talking to a caring friend to “vent”; writing gratitude lists; having a hobby; spend time with your partner without the children; find ways for creative self-expression.
Here’s what a parent in my Conscious Parent Accelerator Program told me this week: