Imagine this: a 2-year old child is crying in the car; the parent parks the car and keeps asking with increasing levels of stress in their voice:
Why are you crying?
Why are you crying?
Why are you crying?
Why are you crying?
Why are you crying?
Why are you crying?
Why are you crying?
Why are you crying?
Why are you crying?…..
The parent gets the child out of the car. The child keeps crying, harder and harder, walking slowly with a slouchy and defeated posture.
What’s happening in this scene and why was I so moved by it?
THE PARENT:
- feels totally overwhelmed by the crying
- doesn’t have any tools to connect and soothe the child, at least not in that moment
- equates crying with “crying is bad”
- talks to the child as a self-soothing mechanism (unconscious, of course!)
- hopes that by asking, the child will stop crying
- lacks the ability to listen with empathy
- feels helpless.
THE CHILD
- is in a state of dis-regulation or dis-connection
- can’t self-regulate his emotions alone
- needs a calm & loving adult to co-regulate together, so his nervous system can feel safe again
- doesn’t have a developed-enough brain to self-observe and “talk about his feelings”
- is crying because crying feels good to the body: it is the body’s intelligent release mechanism ( among others)
- feels alone, isolated, scared and unseen/ unheard
- needs soothing through listening, gentle physical touch, and eye contact
- is asking for help by crying.
I was very moved after seeing this scene because once again, bad parenting is happening to good parents ( *see my article from last week); and amazingly gifted children are being robbed of the opportunity to remain whole. Children are born whole. They can feel their emotions and be in touch with their bodies – and make GOOD decisions about what feels good and what doesn’t. This is how they learn to:
- trust their own judgement
- trust their own bodies
- say NO to peer pressure
- build resiliency
- recognize red flags quickly in unhealthy friendships
I KNOW that this parent had only good intentions.
I KNOW that this parent represents the majority of modern parents.
I KNOW that this parent doesn’t know that there is a better way. (We don’t know what we don’t know, right?)
There is a better way. There are many tools that I and other awesome teachers teach – a lot of this information is free and available, such as the Hand in Hand Parenting website, AHA! Parenting website or my blog.
I will be attending the 7th Annual Vital Voices Mentoring Walk on March 5-th. Please consider signing up as a MENTEE, either in person ( in Miami) or on Zoom. If you can’t afford the ticket, contact the organizers for a scholarship. All details here.
