As parents, our greatest strength lies not in the techniques we employ, but in the relationship we cultivate with our children. When a child seeks contact and closeness with us, we become empowered as a nurturer, a comforter, a guide, a model, a teacher or a coach.

As we navigate another school year filled with academic pressures, social dynamics, and the ever-present influence of digital media, it’s crucial to understand a phenomenon that’s quietly reshaping childhood: peer orientation. This shift toward peer influence over parental guidance deserves our immediate attention and understanding.

I encourage you to read through this entire piece—the insights within could transform how you view your role as a parent in today’s world.

The following wisdom comes from “Hold On to Your Kids” by Gordon Neufeld, PhD, and Gabor Maté, MD—essential reading for every parent navigating modern child-rearing.

The Foundation of Effective Parenting

“The secret of parenting is not in what a parent does but rather who the parent is to a child. When a child seeks contact and closeness with us, we become empowered as a nurturer, a comforter, a guide, a model, a teacher or a coach. For a child well attached to us, we are her home base from which to venture into the world, her retreat to fall back to, her fountainhead of inspiration. All the parenting skills in the world cannot compensate for a lack of attachment relationship. All the love in the world cannot get through without the psychological umbilical cord created by the child’s attachment.

The attachment relationship of child to parent needs to last at least as long as a child needs to be parented. That is what is becoming more difficult in today’s world. Parents haven’t changed—they have not become less competent or less devoted. The fundamental nature of children has also not changed—they have not become less dependent or more resistant. What has changed is the culture in which we are rearing our children. Children’s attachments to parents are no longer getting the support required from culture and society. Even parent-child relationships that at the beginning are powerful and fully nurturing can become undermined as our children move out into a world that no longer appreciates or reinforces the attachment bond. Children are increasingly forming attachments that compete with their parents, with the result that the proper context for parenting is less and less available to us. Not a lack of love or of parenting know-how but the erosion of the attachment context is what makes our parenting ineffective.“

The Rise of Peer Influence

“The chief and most damaging of the competing attachments that undermine parenting authority and parental love is the increasing bonding of our children with their peers. It is the thesis of this book that the disorder affecting the generations of young children and adolescents now heading toward adulthood is rooted in the lost orientation of children toward the nurturing adults in their lives. Far from seeking to establish yet one more medical-psychological disorder here—the last thing today’s bewildered parents need—we are using the word “disorder” in its most basic sense: a disruption of the natural order of things. For the first time in history young people are turning for instruction, modeling and guidance not to mothers, fathers, teachers and other responsible adults but to people whom nature never intended to place in a parenting role—their own peers. They are not manageable, teachable or maturing because they no longer take their cues from us. Instead, children are being brought up by immature persons who cannot possibly guide them to maturity. They are being brought up by each other.

The term that seems to fit more than any other for this phenomenon is peer orientation. It is peer orientation that has muted our parenting instincts, eroded our natural authority and caused us to parent not from the heart but from the head, from manuals, the advice of “experts” and the confused expectations of society.”

When Common Becomes Confused with Natural

“So ubiquitous is peer orientation these days that it has become the norm. Many psychologists and educators, as well as the lay public, have come to see it as natural—or, more commonly, do not even recognize it as a specific phenomenon to be distinguished. It is simply taken for granted as the way things are. But what is normal, in the sense of conforming to a norm, is not necessarily the same as natural or healthy. There is nothing either healthy or natural about peer orientation. Only recently has this counter-revolution against the natural order triumphed in the most industrially advanced countries, for reasons we will explore. Peer orientation is still foreign to indigenous societies and even in many places in the Western world outside the “globalized” urban centers. Throughout human evolution and until about the Second World War adult orientation was the norm in human development. We, the adults who should be in charge—parents and teachers—have only recently lost our influence without even being aware that we have done so.

Peer orientation masquerades as natural or goes undetected because we have become divorced from our intuitions and because we have unwittingly become peer oriented ourselves. For members of the post war generations born in England or North America and many other parts of the industrialized world, our own preoccupation with peers is blinding us to the seriousness of the problem.

(…) An even scarier thought is that if peers have replaced us as the ones who matter most, what is missing in those peer relationships is going to have the most profound impact. Absolutely missing in peer relationships is unconditional love and acceptance, the desire to nurture, the ability to extend oneself for the sake of the other, the willingness to sacrifice for the growth and development of the other. When we compare peer relationships with parent relationships for what is missing, parents come out looking like saints. The results spell disaster for many children.”

(Excerpts published on Dr. Gabor Maté’s website)

Your Action Plan: Reclaiming Your Role

Understanding peer orientation is only the beginning. Here’s how you can strengthen your connection with your child and reclaim your rightful place as their primary influence:

• Immerse yourself in the complete book – This isn’t optional reading; it’s essential preparation for modern parenting
• Establish clear boundaries around peer interactions and screen time – Your leadership here is non-negotiable
• Postpone social media access for as long as possible – Consider waiting until age 14 or beyond
• Prioritize genuine connection time – Quality moments together aren’t luxuries; they’re necessities
• Practice engaged listening – Enter their world with curiosity rather than judgment
• Seek ongoing support – Consider enrolling in specialized parenting courses. Connect with me today to explore how we can support your parenting journey

The path forward isn’t about becoming a perfect parent—it’s about becoming the parent your child needs in this peer-oriented world. Your influence matters more than you realize, and it’s never too late to strengthen that vital connection.