I dedicate this article to all my women clients, and all women who are on their healing journey today, anywhere in the world.
One of my recent client sessions moved me deeply. As she was SITTING WITH her anguish (not running away from it), my client had an AHA moment, and said:
Let’s back up a little. How does a person get here, typically, generally speaking?
A baby is born into a family.
The family dynamics do not support the optimal development of a child’s healthy SELF. By the age 3, the child learns that he/she must do whatever it takes to keep himself/herself safe. Psychological safety and protection are paramount for a young human brain to grow into a confident, autonomous, and self-trusting adult.
When the family system is not healthy, and trauma of various degrees is present, a child will typically become one, or more, of the following:
- the people-pleaser, especially girls
- the black sheep of the family (the outcast)
- the rebel
- the achiever (academics, extracurricular activities)
- the athlete
- the obese/overweight one
- the caretaker, usually of younger siblings or of an ill or alcoholic parent
- the “natural born leader”
- the clown /the joker/the funny one
- the “so mature for his/her age” one
- the fragile/sick/sensitive one
As nature has it, children turn into adolescents and they get so used to their “personalities”, they become IT even more. Most parents do not have the awareness or the skills to get curious about the true nature of their teenagers, so life goes on. The adolescent turns into a young adult, meets someone, and then someone else, until they choose a partner. And this is when learning really begins.
Now, we have two young adults who have no clue who they truly are; it’s not their fault, of course; they absolutely HAD TO develop adaptive mechanisms as children to feel safe in their family environments. They get along fine for a few months or years, until they face a major life event, like the birth of their baby, or a major work displacement, or an elderly dies, or someone gets sick, or one cheats, or money is lost, etc. Things fall apart and EVERYONE WANTS TO BLAME SOMEONE.
Here’s the painful truth: there is nobody to blame. All along, you, me and everyone else made unconscious decisions and choices. So did your partner. Very young PARTS of your Self were still seeking and longing for safety, protection, unconditional love, acceptance, and validation. You chose your partner based on the initial perception that he/she would give you these things, forever and ever…
All along, you played your main character or mask (see list above). You had no idea because you can’t be aware of something you’re not aware of. And so, this “failed marriage” or relationship is now inviting you to discover who you truly are.
This is a very difficult process, and that’s why my client felt as if it were easier to die than to live. How can one live when one doesn’t know who she/he is?
As dark and depressing as this sounds, I am here to tell you: there is no other journey more rewarding than this one. You coming home to yourself, and my client did just that. Her pain, her wisdom, her intuition, and her self- compassion: they all spoke to her in that moment. This is the power of the guided therapeutic process, and that’s why nobody can’t do this work alone.
If you find yourself in a similar situation, and don’t know where to start:
- Work with me in my From Victim to Victory 8 week program. Watch this video for more information (click here)
- Read the book, No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness with the Internal Family Systems Model, by Richard Schwartz, PhD.
BONUS:
If you feel extra-emotional, listen to this song (click here) and read the lyrics. It tells the story of all of us.
