When our children are born into this world, we want “the best” for them: we want them to be happy, to live fulfilled lives, to realize their potential, to follow their dreams and to achieve great heights in whatever endeavors they choose. We do “our best”  to ensure that we set them up for success.

When our children reach adolescence, we look at them and ponder in utter perplexity: What the Hell Happened?! Who is this child? I did so much for him/ her and now this?!

So, it is only safe to wonder: WHAT HAPPENED in these 12-14 years?

My intention is not to blame or point fingers at parents. Parents are victims of their own circumstances, as much as children are the products of the parenting they received. What’s done, it’s done; parents do the best they can with the tools they have at any given time.

But, if you’re curious about what your child needs (or needed) from you in the first 12 years of life, here’s my take on it:

A CHILD NEEDS LOVE. UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.

Every parent loves their child, no question, but a child learns that she/ he is unconditionally loved, only when:

• there is consistent psychological safety in the home, between mom and dad, and between child and mom, and child and dad; same applies to all caring adults ( main attachment figures), in cases where mom or dad are absent;
• the adults are close-to-masterful at emotional self- regulation and repair;
• the child is more important than their ‘good or bad’ behavior;
• the child is well understood, supported, contained and listened to when they go off track with their behavior ;
• the child is consistently soothed, seen and kept safe; the 3 S’s that lead to secure attachment;
• the adults play with the child in a way that allows the child to be the leader; adults take the less powerful role, and gives up control of the play;
• the adults spend 1:1 time with each child, with no agenda imposed by the adult;
• the adults do not reward ‘good grades’ and do not punish ‘bad grades’, starting in Kindergarten;
• the adults take responsibility for the rupture in the relationship;
• the adults LISTEN without interruptions, with empathetic presence and no-coaching/ no-lecturing/ no-judgement attitude;
• the adults have a rich vocabulary for emotions and inner states of being;
• the adults do emotion-coaching and life-coaching appropriately;
• the adults are present and genuine, consistently, which means the child doesn’t have to compete with the smartphone, TV, laptop, or chores for adult’s attention;
• the child is valued for who he/she is naturally as a sovereign human being, and nobody attempts to change them into someone else (no mini-me, please!).  

Surprisingly to many parents , a child doesn’t learn that she/he is loved just because:

• we work hard
• we do the impossible with the schedules
• we drive them everywhere
• we pay crazy money for their extracurricular activities, or sports
• we buy them expensive gifts
• we take them on extravagant trips once a year
• we throw them big birthday parties
• ………. you get the point.

A CHILD NEEDS LEADERSHIP. A CONFIDENT LEADER.

I’ve said this many times in the past : Parents Are Leaders. Parents lead by example. Children learn by example.
Parents are confident leaders when:

• they set clear limits, routines, rituals, and a predictable environment for the child;
• they have the tools to safely contain a child who is not happy with the limits;
• they value shared experiences like traveling or volunteering, versus materialistic voyeurism like expensive cars, watches, gadgets, designer clothes, etc ;
• they lead by example and family values are clear: respect for the elderly and nature, compassion, learning, grit, growth mindset, open communication, authenticity;
• they trust themselves and their own gut feelings;
• they honor their own bodies and health;
• they have self-care routines in place;
• they communicate clearly;
• they know how to listen to opposing points of view, and learn from it;
• they have a flexible mind ( not rigid, and not chaotic);
• they adapt well to new challenges, without panicking;
• they advocate on behalf on their child at school, with the coaches;
• they have high emotional intelligence and agility;
• they have a vision for their own lives, and the family at large, without being controlling;
• they demonstrate integrity;
• they take ownership of their own limitations;
• they don’t turn the child into their unfulfilled self;
• they don’t project on the child their own fears and shame;
• they love learning;
• they love life;
• they keep their word, no matter what.

Are you ready to give your child Love & Leadership?

STEP ONE:
Start your 8 weeks of coaching with me right away. Read about my Conscious Parent Accelerator Program (click here)
Email me at ***parentingmadeconscious*** AT*** gmail.com to request a call with me.

STEP  TWO:
Read testimonials about my work with parents (click here)

STEP THREE:

Read about my credentials (click here) 
Read about my 8 weeks coaching program for women, From Victim to VICTORY (click here)

UPCOMING EVENTS & RECOMMENDATIONS:
1. Save the Date: Women’s Circle on zoom, on August 24, at 10 EST
2. This newsletter will be on pause for the next 2 weeks. Next article will arrive in your inbox on August 17.
3. Watch ANOTHER SELF, on Netflix, 2 seasons; about transgenerational trauma.
4. Read HOLD ON TO YOUR KIDS book by Gabor Mate & Gordon Neufeld, if you haven’t already.
5. Read THE ANXIOUS GENERATION book by Jonathan Haidt.