Where did the summer vacation go? 10 weeks went by so fast. Our kids are going back to school on Monday, August 12 (in Florida, at least).  I imagine you are busy buying school supplies, uniforms, and getting the schedules ready for the next coming weeks.  While this is important, I am inviting you to consider what’s more important:

Your Child’s Nervous System or The School System?

What do I mean by that?
The traditional school system is well intentioned; it wants students to gain enough knowledge and life skills so they can flourish and express their individual potential as emerging adults. However, in practice, public schools’ strategic goals and curriculum are driven by standardized test scores, state funding metrics, legislative priorities, and local political agendas. Also, most K-12 teachers are underpaid and overworked (I know, because I was one of them), which means that talent (good teachers) is often hard to attract and retain in public schools in the USA.

In a typical public school, a student is expected to conform 99.99% of the time. Your child has very little say in his/ her schedule; how teachers approach their content; homework; classroom design; academic evaluation; etc. Of course, this is good to some extent, because children need to learn to follow rules; discipline; action and reaction; consequences; cooperation; and being a part of a bigger social system.

When children come home from school, they are expected to follow household rules, after-school schedules and help out with younger siblings, do chores, homework, etc. From morning to evening, a K-12 student has very little to NO  time left to “do nothing”, to relax their mind, to play, to exert autonomy over their lives.

This leads to the ongoing secretion of stress hormones in your child’s brain such as cortisol and adrenaline, which puts their nervous system into  constant “high alert”. Children become non- cooperative, aggressive, depressed, and anxious, and then get blamed for being “bad”. Children can’t articulate why they are behaving the way they’re behaving, and just like that, parents and children find themselves into a “me versus you” daily tension that provokes conflict, disconnection and rupture.

PARENTING WITH YOUR CHILD’S NERVOUS SYSTEM IN MIND:

The Autonomic Nervous System is made up of the Sympathetic Nervous System and Parasympathetic Nervous System.

“The “vagal” in Polyvagal Theory refers to the vagus nerve, which in fact is not a single nerve but rather a bundle of nerves that begin in the brainstem and travels through the body, affecting many different organs along the way. Vagus in Latin means ‘wanderer”.

Our prefered place , the place where we find experiences of health, growth and restoration, is anchored in the ventral vagal state of safety and connection. When we are pulled out of regulation, the first move is into the sympathetic system of mobilization and protection through action taking. The final step takes us to the dorsal vagal system of immobilization and protection through disconnection. This predictable order of moving between autonomic states means we can track our journey into dysregulation and have a roadmap to find our way back to the safety of regulation.” ( Deb Dana, Anchored, How to Befriend Your Nervous System Using Polyvagal Theory)

1. Start the day with a connecting moment; a warm good morning; a long hug; a snuggle; 5 minutes of Special Time.
2. Leave ample time for unstructured play – every single day. Don’t overbook your child with activities, sports, and other adult- led activities.
3. Play with your child, and laugh- every day. Adapt the play to the child’s age, but always let the child lead in play. Do not overpower the child in play.
4. Welcome risk, failure, mistakes, and “bad grades” with a growth mindset.
5. Reassure your child constantly of your unconditional love.
6. Teach by modelling, not by lecturing. If you want your child to do sports, be active yourself, for  example. Same goes for eating healthy, being happy, being kind, showing gratitude, etc.
7. Always repair when a rupture happens.
8. Spend time together with no set agenda. Simply enjoy your child’s presence doing whatever or nothing at all ( being first, doing second).
9. Tell your child often that you like them as a person.
10. Teach your child to listen to his or her own body. Teach them to slow down, attune to their bodily sensations and trust their gut feelings.

***Remember: the school system doesn’t care about your child ‘s nervous system. That’s your job, my job and every parent’s job. Happy back to school, 2024. ***