We know that secure attachment is the fundamental need/condition for a child to develop optimally. The entire field of child psychology revolves around attachment theory for good reasons.
The perspective of the 5 biologically based core needs that I am sharing below belongs to authors Laurence Heller, PhD and Aline LaPierre, PsyD. For a deeper understanding, I highly recommend their great book: Healing Developmental Trauma: How Early Trauma Affects Self-Regulation, Self-Image and the Capacity for Relationship. These 5 core needs are:
When attachment figures (parents, caretakers) do not meet these needs on a consistent basis over time, children develop “adaptive survival styles and core difficulties” (Heller & LaPierre) associated with each of these 5 needs, as follows:
1. The Connection Survival Style:
- disconnected from physical and emotional self;
- difficulty relating to others.
2. The Attunement Survival Style:
- difficulty knowing what he/she needs;
- feeling that one’s needs do not deserve to be met.
3. The Trust Survival Style:
- feeling that he/she cannot depend on anyone but oneself;
- feeling that he/she must always be in control.
4. The Autonomy Survival Style:
- feeling burdened and pressured;
- difficulty setting limits and saying no directly.
5. The Love Survival Style
- self- esteem based on looks and performance.
Parenting is hard as it is. There is already a lot of pressure on parents to “be good parents.”
My goal in presenting this type of information is not to overwhelm parents with “more things to do”, but to show science-based evidence that parenting is a relationship that needs effort, education, presence, and above all-connection. Most of us need to unlearn how we were parented, in order to learn to parent from the heart-conscious parenting.
“Thank you very much Mihaela Plugarasu! I don’t know what we would have done without you. It was wonderful to have you there! You were our guest speaker and it was amazing. A forum without you, around this topic, would not have been possible… Thank you very very much, I’m sending all my love to you! ✨”
“After one and a half years practicing what I have been learning from the program, I can say I feel like a better person as a whole, a better mother, a better wife, a better woman and human being.I know I still have a lot to learn and heal but I feel so different in a good way. Thanks again and again Mihaela Plugarasu for having this vision and sharing your knowledge with us. 🙏🙏🙏” ( W.)
“Hi Mihaela Plugarasu! Last week I finally had a meeting with my son’s new teacher. She couldn’t understand why I insisted on meeting her until she read my son’s file. She told me that when she met him for the first time this year, he was a completely normal boy, connected in class, totally integrated with his classmates, a fast writer, playing with everyone during the breaks, and even showing emotion if he was not included in some game. That’s the exact opposite of what I would get from school for at least the past 4 years. She said if she hadn’t read the file, she would have never imagined my son used to have all those symptoms and even medication. I explained what a difference it made to now have evidence that this was the result of narcissistic abuse and not ADHD or learning disabilities. I cannot thank you enough for showing me how to support my son all this time in our journey from hell into normal life.” ( G.)